Summer is coming to an end, days are getting shorter and nights are getting longer. This is the season for change and transitions. Fall seems to bring many changes for families’ whether it is back to school, starting a new activity, new routine, new job, new sibling, or even a new home all change and transitions in life can be challenging. At Play Therapy i.n.c. we often hear that even small changes or transitions can bring rise to challenging behaviors at home and or tension among family members. We have put together some helpful tips on turning transitions from chaos to brainy.
As many of you know Erin and I often refer to ourselves as brain dorks, so we are going to share a little about how the brain works to better understand how we perceive change. Our brain is a threat seeking organism, meaning that we require enough information to prove everything is ok or else we automatically engage our fight/fight, freeze/fall asleep (stress) response (Dion, 2015). Our brain is constantly scanning the environment for signs of potential threats. When we are going through a change or transition there is inevitably new information so our fight/flight, freeze/fall asleep is most likely going to activate. Lisa Dion (2015) refers to this as one of the primary threats the brain is looking for, the unknown. New classrooms, new teachers, new coach, new activities, new routines, new jobs, new siblings, new environments are all unknowns to the brain. When we are operating out of a stress response or what Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (2011) refers to as the ‘down stairs brain’ we are reactive and driven by emotions. This reactive state of the brain can lead our children and ourselves to engaging in challenging behaviors. When we can engage the ‘upstairs brain’ we are logical, understanding, problem solvers, and reasonable (Siegel &Payne Bryson, 2011).
Knowing that transition and change have a high probability of getting an impulsive emotional reaction lets identify a few things that can help reengage the ‘upstairs brain.’
- Give warnings. When we can prepare our children for changes it gives our brain time to regulate and anticipate the change. This can be as simple as giving children a 5 or 10 minute warning before leaving to go somewhere. For example, “Kids we have 10 more minutes until we need to be in the car to go to school.” I suggest giving a 10 minute warning, then 5 minutes, 3, 2, 1. When giving a warning for a transition or change make sure you have your child’s attention. Eye contact, gentle physical touch like hand on their shoulder, and or checking for understanding are ways to ensure your warnings are actually being heard to help head off the dreaded last minute melt down. For example, go over to your child get down on their level, meeting them at eye level, and gently putting your hand on their shoulder and say “we have five more minutes until we leave for school. So how many minutes do we have until we need to leave?” Giving warnings helps engage the ‘upstairs brain’ about what is coming next and when it is going to happen, so we are more likely to have a successful transition or change.
- Use visuals. Visuals can be helpful for big or small transitions or changes. For a bigger change or transition I suggest using a calendar to count down days. Simply print off a basic calendar and then your child can put and ‘X’ on each day counting down to a large transition like moving to a new home, starting school, or even going to another parents home. Visuals can also be useful to identify the steps children needed to be ready for the transition. I suggest snapping pictures on your phone of your child practicing each step and or Google images is great too. For example, getting ready for school might be a picture of your child getting dressed, brushing hair and teeth, eating breakfast, getting backpack, putting shoes and coat on, and sitting in the car. Once you have all the pictures print them out and make a vertical or horizontal visual schedule/routine. This can be helpful for children of all ages but especially children who are not yet reading. As their brain is going to be able to understand the pictures even when their brain is overwhelmed to listen to your verbal reminders. Bonus tip: when you practice the transition while taking pictures you are letting the brain know what to expect, reducing the unknown. Every time you repeat the routine it assists in decreasing the unknown as well.
- Be prepared. The primary way we learn is through observation, and our children are continuously watching others to learn how to do things (Dion, 2015). Notice if you are frantically getting ready, in a hurry, and anxious during transitions or changes. First, normalize that you may be operating out or your ‘down stairs brain’ and then begin to identify how you can give yourself warnings, visuals, lists, timers, alarms, ect. to help keep yourself on track. When we are in a hurry and or stressed our children are even more likely to engage in challenging behaviors often creating a vicious cycle of chaotic transitions or changes. As Ghandi says, “Be the change you wish to see.” Remember little steps can have a big ripple effect.
Transitions and change can often feel chaotic and overwhelming, use some of these helpful tips and information to move them to a brainier, prepared, calm action.
“It takes courage to let go of the familiar and embrace the new.”-Alan Cohen
Dion, L. 2015. Integrating Extremes: Aggression and Death in the Playroom.
Siegel, D & Payne Bryson, T. 2011. The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Minds.